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The Spiggy blog.

—April 7th 2021—

I’ve been on the strongest upwards trend of my life since about November last year, and the first time it has been mostly self directed. I’ve had a disappointing day so far, but I’ve noticed a difference in the way that I can process it now.

Today I ate some junk food, forgot to run, wasn’t able to get a speeding ticket paid, and didn’t really make any headway towards broader goals. I also feel bad about having trouble with basic exercises i’m trying to learn and feeling like I’ve reached my first plateau.

But yesterday I went on my first long hike in a while, made some discoveries, paid my respects to people and entities who deserve more than this age can offer, I put in my request that will get me to a cool place to learn and work, and wrote something like this.

The day before that I gave it my all and tried to learn how to do pullup negatives. I fucked up but I’ve also learned about my body and how it interacts with things and how I can try again. I also messed up my pushups somehow but again tried my hardest and learned more.

I have the expectation now that I don’t need to worry about minor setbacks. For someone who hasn’t been able to apply themselves in life this is almost impossible because all you know is failure and depression. You need to give yourself proof of your own ability first.

If you’re reading this right now and you hate your life and you feel totally worthless because you can’t do anything you really want that requires effort. Stop reading and do as many pushups as you can. Doesn’t matter if it’s 5, 1, or if you have to use your knees.

Now you have proof that you can do pushups, that for one moment you were able to break through and do something productive. Doesn’t matter if it takes you 3 months or a year until you consider exercise again. No one can ever take away the knowledge that you *can* do it.

And tomorrow when you think about doing pushups and you remember these tweets you can observe how your mind contorts and twists to make you not want to do it. Even if you sink back into despair. You now have that contrast, which will aid you whenever next time comes.

I have a few more thoughts about this but you get the gist of it. I’m still a very undisciplined person who has loads of trouble doing what they truely want, but I feel like I’ve found some purchase in the cliff face, and wanted to write this down before I take it for granted.

—April 6th 2021—

Who I am

The soul is a topic that's been debated about for a long time but I've got a few thoughts on it (not complete ones of course) that I want to nail down and sort out for myself here.

Who I am, a man named *** from the USA, is probably 95-99% composed of a combination of my biology and environment. That little remainder chunk is the actual 'me' who exists independently of my current body. All of my knowledge is most likely locked into whatever biological system I currently inhabit and is totally eradicated when I die.

This is not to say that biology is unimportant, far from it! You can and should use your biology to pass on what is truly important, your instincts. Exercise to clear your mind and give you the sensation of deliberate effort. I think that instincts and emotive memories and sensations are what gets passed on. The little tugs towards what you know is right.

Humans are not very unique when compared to the rest of life. It is delusional to imagine that your life is not on as rigid a path as an ant or an anteater. This is fine. The world is so beautiful, why do you need some sort of godlike agency to muck it up? The thing that really sets humans apart however is our ability to think through problems that give us tremendous amounts of excess energy when compared to other animals. Humans, especially in modernity, are essentially offered a choice in life between spending their excess energy in consumption and lethargy or deliberately choosing to expend that energy towards productive self directed activity. These productive activities are ultimately of benefit to yourself and those you love. You cannot change the direction of the world, but you can choose what part you will play in its future.

Another feature that is (somewhat) unique to humans is our ability to be sentient. This is not the same thing as being conscious by the way, which is something that most if not all animals are already. In fact sentience is a feature that makes us closer to machines than living things. This actually causes people a lot of problems because it becomes so easy for them to be fed delusional or malevolent ideas (especially as civilizations progress and life becomes easy enough to afford delusional thinking). Our sentience is a good thing in the long run however, because it provides you with an opportunity to learn a good instinct for truth and to develop ways of feeling out if you are deluding yourself about some issue or thing.

Then we get into more speculative territory. How does one feel out where their current biology ends and the influence of their soul begins? I consider myself a very sincere person, to the point where I have only recently learned how to properly omit information from conversations, and I doubt I'll ever be good at lying (though I should try >:) ), I often wonder if this is a sort of behavior or desire that is imposed by some kind of biological condition (autism) or if this deep desire for sincerity is something that has been honed in previous lives. I lean towards the latter but it's fun and useful to think about it.

That's all my thoughts for now. I will probably expand on some of these concepts when I feel like it later.

— April 2nd 2021 —

I feel my fingers getting stronger even though the work I performed was disgusting and low. Bundles of cable and fiber packed into my grasping hand. I do not wish to lose this strength at all. I love the way I can run now, how I bounce along the ground like a real animal instead of a reawakened coma patient. My arms are growing powerful and lithe. My body is thanking me for finally remembering, even though I still mistreat it, even though I allow myself to forget the passion that grows within it is still kind to me, and reminds me what I have done these past weeks with every movement. It promises more.

I have marinated in the numbness of inaction for as long as I need. Learned all I can from watching the poison scorch my forehead and bludgeon my senses. I will not let go of this practice. No matter what I must do.

This is sick.

blog/spiggy.txt · Last modified: 2021/04/08 03:53 by spigggy